Thank You, Little Teacher

As I write this, you are 10 years old, soon to be 11. The girl you are and have been is being left behind a little more each day as you turn into the woman you have become. I wish you could know this girl like I do. I wish that the adult you are now could come back and sit with me and watch your girl you for a while. You would see so many wonderful things about yourself.

You would see your vitality and passion for life. You would hear your beautiful laugh and see your amazing smile. You would see how you rarely hold back in any situation and how you jump in to new experiences, sure that it will be a good thing.

My beautiful girl, who is loud and obnoxious at times, but loves to cuddle babies and has a way with fussy toddlers that most adults do not possess. My girl who wants to save every animal on the planet from harm, hunger, cold, fear, and extinction. I'm quite sure that if it were up to you, we would have a huge assortment of animals in our house so you could try to save them all. I know that life has taught you that you cannot save them all, but somehow that seems to have made you all the more determined to at least try. Your tender little heart does not seem to have been hardened to suffering.

I want you to see how your conviction is strong to always do the right thing and to stand up for yourself and others. I want you to understand that you are a beautiful person, both inside and out, and that you will always have that inside of you. Even now as you are older and life has thrown things at you that are hard, know that inside of you is this gorgeous, shining, vibrant girl who doesn't take no for an answer (even when she probably should) and refuses to conform to someone else's ideas of perfection.

I would love to sit next to you as we watch your girl self, poised on the edge of womanhood and ready to plunge deeper into life and all that the world has to offer.

And I want to thank you. Through you I have been shown the world in a way that I never would have seen it otherwise. I have been shown that I, too, have that girl child inside of me who isn't afraid to take chances. I have been made a better, stronger person who can do the sometimes hard work of life because I know that it will be good. By emulating you I have become more patient, kind, compassionate, fun, fearless, and hardworking. I have learned to live my life with grace and truth as you do. You and your brother both inspire me every day to be a better person, to reach higher, try harder, love deeper, laugh louder, and play longer.

I always thought that it was my job as your mother to teach you how to be and how to live, but you have taught me more in your 10 years than I learned on my own in nearly 32 years. I cannot wait to meet the person that you are today. I am sure that you have accomplished amazing things. With a heart like yours, there is simply no other option.

I love you always and forever.

Hello Little...

I had a sonogram on January 19th, almost a week ago. I was 19 weeks along exactly and I was so excited to see the baby! The tech looked at all of the anatomy, which is perfect and then surprised me to bits when he said that there was a little boy in there! I was not expecting that so I made the tech look a few more times, just to be sure.

I couldn't go to sleep that night until I had picked out at least a first name for my little man. I felt terrible that he didn't have a name. Problem solved, however, because now he is Samuel. No middle name yet, but we're working on it. I was looking through my family tree today, trying to find inspiration for a middle name and I realized something incredible. My mother's grandfather (my great-grandfather) had the middle name of Samuel! I had no idea that it was a family name, but now I'm more sure than ever that I chose the right name, or it chose me. I loved my Grandpa Pete. He was loving and funny and so very sweet to all of his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Unfortunately, he died when my oldest was only 3 weeks old. Grandpa Pete never got to meet any of his great-great-grandchildren.

I'm sure that he knows about this newest family addition, and I can just see his face crinkling up in a big grin, knowing that he has a great-great-grandson on the way who will share a name with him.

Over the weekend we also went down to Houston for a family baby shower. My aunt is pregnant with her first baby, a boy, and due in about 6 weeks. It was fun to talk about our pregnancies and parenting and breastpumps and all of that mama stuff. It's fun for me to be around first-time mamas because it reminds me of that excitement and wonder that I felt when I was getting ready to be a mom for the first time. Amazingly, that feeling doesn't really diminish with each baby. I am just as excited this time around as I was the first and second time. Maybe even more than before because now I am older and wiser and I get to try new things that I didn't even know about 12 and 10 years ago.

Mornings

Every morning now, I lie in bed and feel for you. I have my hands on my belly where your temporary home is growing a little bit bigger each day. Every so often, I can feel your tiny bumps and wiggles. You're still so little that I have to pay attention to feel you moving. Pretty soon you'll be bigger and everyone will be able to feel your movements through my belly. Until then, the evidence of your presence is only for you and I to share. It's like our little secret.

I talk to you all the time. Mostly in my head, but out loud too now that you have ears and can hear with them. I often wonder about the sounds you hear while you are swimming around inside. Can you hear your brother and sister talking? Will you know their voices when you are born? I tell you about your family, and the people that will be a part of your life.

You are a tiny little person, but already deeply loved and greatly anticipated.